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    Chasing the boogey man

     

    When I cannot sleep, when time drags on forever for me, somewhere between night and day. I lay awake thinking, self ananlyzing myself. Trying to rationalize, trying to make sense of why I cannot sleep, and why I always have nightmares, and for god's sake whay I can't just accept my experiences that I had and just....move on.
     
    Time seems frozen for me sometimes at night
     
    Like machines......we all did what we had to do to stay alive.....never thinking of the consequences
    To stop and think......would certainly cost our lives
    Numb to ourselves......never to show weakness.....all we had done was left deep down inside
     
    Now my mind seems unable to forgive itself
    So in dreams.....these things come back for me
    My mind saying.....look what you did...something immoral....something born of hate
     
    I try to forget....and say it's ok
    In dreams....I cannot breath....vivid memories of the unacceptable....of what war really is
    Responsiblity....like a ton of bricks weighs me down...
     
    Responsibilty....someone has to take it

    Iraq War Veteran Wrestles With Invisible Wounds

    Iraq War Veteran Wrestles With Invisible Wounds

    Tuesday, November 11, 2008

    Dave McBee, who did two tours of duty in Iraq beginning in 2003, struggles with post-traumatic stress disorder.

    On the plus side, David McBee has a fiancee who stuck by him, a 2-year-old son who loves him. They've helped him persevere through dark times — blackouts, anger, confusion — as he struggles with the invisible wounds of his combat duty in Iraq.

    As a Marine, McBee engaged in the initial assault on Iraq from Kuwait in 2003 and the often-chaotic battle of Fallujah in late 2004.

    He returned to the United States in 2005, worked for a time with the postal service and got engaged. His fiancee, Audra Cardoza, gave birth to a son in 2006.

    About a year after his return, McBee began to notice a change in his personality, including what he describes as "blackouts" — periods of time he couldn't account for.

    "One day, me and my buddies and fiancee, we went out and started drinking," he said. "I had a meltdown. ... All this stuff that was in my head that I'd never said to anybody started coming out. I couldn't stop crying."

    The "stuff" included images of Fallujah residents, children among them, killed by his own unit as it swept through neighborhoods that were supposed to have been evacuated.

    "We search houses. We see people in there — they're not supposed to be there. They're considered hostile. We just opened fire," he said.

    "We saw a little kid in the middle road. There was no stopping the convoy. We ran him over."

    McBee's condition worsened in June, after a friend and fellow veteran committed suicide. He checked into a veterans homeless shelter in Leeds, Mass., and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder as well as alcohol dependence. He has suffered migraines, hearing loss, various back and shoulder problems.

    At the shelter, McBee befriended Army Spc. Andrew Cotrel, also suffering PTSD linked to Iraq combat duty in 2003.

    "My first day, Andrew was there. Two different parts of Iraq, two different things going on, and we had so many similarities," McBee said. "As a vet, you can just sit down and talk. You have something in common, doesn't matter where you were, what you did. You know you both served."

    They're among about 1,500 veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars identified by the Department of Veterans Affairs as experiencing homelessness. The 120-bed Leeds shelter, run by a nonprofit called Soldier On, serves a handful of veterans who fought in those two wars, mixed with dozens who served in Vietnam.

    The mission, says Soldier On, is to assist veterans with "picking up the pieces of their lives."

    In August, McBee, now 24, moved in with Cardoza and their son, Aiden, in a small apartment in nearby Chicopee. He plans to enroll soon in six-week VA inpatient PTSD treatment program.

    Aiden, says McBee, is the "best thing ever."

    "For a while, I didn't think anybody really cared for me — I didn't care about myself, so why would anybody else," he said. "To see him running up, his arms out, big smile, 'Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,' It's great."

    In her eyes,my world stood still

    In her eyes,my world stood still

    Out of all the things I remember the most of my time in Iraq, this is one of the memories that has stuck with me for a long time. I was about a little girl I encountered on the side of the road when I stopped my Humvee to take up a defensive position near the town of Mosul.
     
     
    Eyes fixed as she walked towards me
    Ratted hair, dark eyes, and an angels face
    A tattered pink rose in her hand.....held up to me
    "America" she spoke
     
    In her eyes...... my own reflection
    looking back unpon myself........ I stood frozen
    not drawing my weapon as I should....helpless
     
    A smile between us.....broken by her mothers yell
    The rose fell at my feet.
     
    These days I often see the face of that little girl in the eyes of my 2.5 yr old daughter
     
     
    I was trained to draw my weapon at anyone that approached like that, because my unit had experienced small children approacing the Humvees and throwing grenades in the back of them. Had this little girl been on of them I'm sure we would have been dead. Had I killed her there in the street I would have never been able to live with myself. To kill an innocent child as I had seen happen before.

    The two loves of my life

    First I would have to say that me not being on here is actually a good thing. It seems as if it has been forever. I have been spending a lot of time with my wife and baby girl. I guess you could say I am comming into my own at being  a husabnd and a father. Having said that it is sometimes exausting keeping up with the messes they both make. Sometimes I dont know who makes more of a mess. I am still working in sleep medicine and work in a reseach sleep lab at St.Louis University. My PTSD is stiill an issue for me the biggest problem/trigger I have is when our daughter Kaelin screams at the top of her lungs, but I have been going to the VA to keep seeing the head doctor. I am still battling it out with the VA for my service connected disability. It has been since 2004 when I first filed for it, it has been denied twice, finally I hired a lawyer, and my case is now before the board in washington. Just giving everybody an update on how things have been going.

    When will they notice us falling into darkness?

     Army suicides up as much as 20 percent

    By PAULINE JELINEK, Associated Press Writer 31 minutes ago

    WASHINGTON - As many as 121 Army soldiers committed suicide in 2007, a jump of some 20 percent over the year before, officials said Thursday.

    The rise comes despite numerous efforts to improve the mental health of a force stressed by a longer-than-expected war in Iraq and the most deadly year yet in the now six-year-old conflict in Afghanistan.

    Internal briefing papers prepared by the Army's psychiatry consultant early this month show there were 89 confirmed suicides last year and 32 deaths that are suspected suicides and still under investigation.

    More than a quarter of those — about 34 — happened during deployments in Iraq, an increase from 27 in Iraq the previous year, according to the preliminary figures.

    The report also shows an increase in the number of attempted suicides and self-injuries — some 2,100 in 2007 compared to less than 1,500 the previous year and less than 500 in 2002.

    The total of 121 suicides last year, if all are confirmed, would be more than double the 52 reported in 2001, before the Sept. 11 attacks prompted the Bush administration to launch its counter-terror war. The toll was 87 by 2005 and 102 in 2006.

    Officials said the rate of suicides per 100,000 active duty soldiers has not yet been calculated for 2007. But in a half million-person active duty Army, the 2006 toll of 102 translated to a rate of 17.5 per 100,000, the highest since the Army started counting in 1980, officials said. The rate has fluctuated over those years, with the low being 9.1 per 100,000 in 2001.

    That toll and rate for 2006 is a revision from figures released in August because a number of pending cases have since been concluded. Officials earlier had reported 99 soldiers killed themselves in 2006 and two cases were pending — as opposed to the 102 now confirmed. It's common for investigations to take some time and for officials to study results at length before releasing them publicly.

    Col. Elspeth Ritchie, the psychiatry consultant to the Army surgeon general, has said that officials found failed personal relationships, legal and financial problems and the stress of their jobs have been main factors in soldiers' suicides. Officials also have found that the number of days troops are deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan or nearby countries contributes to that stress.

    With the Army stretched thin by years of fighting the two wars, the Pentagon last year extended normal tours of duty to 15 months from 12 and has sent some troops back to the wars several times. The Army has been hoping to reduce tour lengths this summer. But the prospect could depend heavily on what Gen. David Petraeus, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, recommends when he gives his assessment of security in Iraq and troop needs to Congress in April.

    A succession of studies on mental health in the military have found a system that might have been adequate for peacetime has been overwhelmed by troops coming home from war. Some troop surveys in Iraq have shown that 20 percent of Army soldiers have signs and symptoms of post-traumatic stress, which can cause flashbacks of traumatic combat experiences and other severe reactions. About 35 percent of soldiers are seeking some kind of mental health treatment a year after returning home under a program that screens returning troops for physical and mental health problems, officials have said.

    Officials have worked to set up a number of new programs and strengthen old ones for providing mental health care to the force. The Army also has been working to stem the stigma associated with getting therapy for mental problems, after officials found that troops are avoiding counseling out of fear it could harm their careers.

    Being a father

    I am sure we all have seen those little old ladies that do things such as:
     
    Clip coupons.....and hold up the lines at the stores
     
    Bring random things with them in thier purse such as ketchup packets out to eat with them
     
    Help......my wife is turning into one of them!!
     
    We went to eat at Red lobster the other night and I swear to god she brought a tupper ware with cheese in it for her salad.
     
    Also I will add that the adventures I have been having as a father have been pretty out there.......seems Every day between my wife and my daughter I loose a little piece of my man hood.
     
    My once clean living room is now filled with toys.......toys that seem to squeak, or stab into the bottom of my feet, then all I hear is giggles and laughs from my wife and daughter, as I grumble under my breath.
     
    The beat one yet is when we went out to eat....and Michelle is cutting chicken up for Kaelin to eat.....and as she is doing it she startes to sing........chick......chick.......chicken,,,,,,to Kaelin in a now getting louder voice......I look around to see everybody looking at us like......what the.....is she on.
     
    Ahh the adventures of parenthood.......

    Dig

    I have learned that to be a functional person, husband, father, friend to the people around me I have to hide or put away a part of me that is truly tainted, and damaged. 
    And so it is that this......my blog has to be my refuge, my dumping ground to lay down the weight of my personal burden. I have come to realize that the men I grew up around, my father, all the way back to my grandfather's, father were all a part of some war. And having said that that, all of thier lives were never the same because of it.
    I seem to be having so many life altering revelations here latley. I am becoming more aware that the world hates us, and America seems to have forgotten us. I just wanted to thank all who have stuck by me and continue to do so. I still have the need to write, so I will continue to to do so. If I can lay it down here, then maybe, I can still be superman to my wife and baby.
     
    Sickness......the kind you feel when you cannot throw up but you can't
    Time...it moves......so slow..............why is it so hard to breathe?
     
    Dreams..........well dreams are just that......Dreams
     
    The human mind........refuses to distinguish.......but my sweat burns the cut in my arm
    and the smells.........sewage.......blood......run down the street like a river
     
    The act of death......the act of killing......such a transition.....quick......slow......then...... over
    A thing known.....them or us
     
    Friends......multilated.....dead.......forever silenced
     
    The diffrence........the enemy wants to kill me
    Unable to change what I have seen..........................Invisible in dreams
     
    Invisible it has to be to the world, my family, my wife..........this decay........it remains......hidden
    The realization.........nobody......nobody....want to hear a veterans problems......to watch a grown man cry
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

    Working with children

    I just landed a job at one of the nations #1 pediatiric hospitals, Cardinal Glennon Hospital.
    I will be working with little people who are sick, I will be doing the same thing I do now and that is sleep studies, but the only diffrence is the age diffrence. Not to mention the HUGE pay diffrence.....I will be pulling in right at what some nurses are making. So I will be working full time at Clayton Sleep Institute, and then per diem at Cardinal Glennon, so some weeks that will translate to about 70 hrs a week. But the money will be excellent. Just in time for a good Christmas I guess. It is an awsome hospital!! here is the link if any of you want to take a look
     

    Lieutenant Dan Syndrome

    Sorry I have been gone for a while I needed some time to reflect and spend some time with my wife and daughter. I have emerged a new man out of all of this. It has been time well spent. I have gotten over my depression and anger. After much reflection I have come to understand what it is that has been eating away at me. You see when I was younger I used to have dreams of fighting and dying in war. I always knew it was my destiny to fight for my country since I was about 7 yrs old, and in a way I knew that I was supposed to give my life for someone........sounds pretty messed up huh.
     
    I think what it all boils down to is if you ask any soldier who has fought over in Iraq what is one of the things that bothers them. Well I know at least some of them it would be the simple fact that they wanted their service to mean or stand for something......to make a diffrence......somehow,,,,,,to someone.
     
    For this very reason......I have stood.....angry and bitter. Because I have not sacrificed enough, not half as much as the soldiers I see etched in tombstones at arlington. I feel somehow unworthy to live the life I now live with my wife and baby daughter. I feel as if my service has meant nothing. Not to me, not to
    the USA I returned to after the war.
     
    So if any of you out there have seen Forrest Gump........I really can relate to the whole Lieutenant Dan thing.

    My anger triggers

     
    I am tired of seeing death..........and seeing my comrads fall. I know there will be another video showing more death.
     
     
     
     
    U.S. intensifies search for 3 missing soldiers
    Published: May 13, 2007
     
      
     

    BAGHDAD: About 4,000 American ground troops supported by surveillance aircraft, attack helicopters and spy satellites swept towns and farmland south of Baghdad on Sunday searching for three American soldiers who disappeared Saturday after their patrol was ambushed, military officials said.

    The Islamic State of Iraq, an insurgent umbrella group, claimed responsibility Sunday for the attack, which killed four American soldiers and an Iraqi Army soldier, and said it had captured the three missing Americans. The group offered no proof for its claim.

    Elsewhere in Iraq, at least 55 people were killed and 155 wounded in two vehicle bombings, one against the offices of a leading Kurdish political party in a contested region of northern Iraq and the other in a market in Shiite-dominated eastern Baghdad, Iraqi officials said.

    The ambush of the Americans on Saturday morning occurred near Mahmudiya, a farming town south of the capital that has been a battleground between Sunni Arab insurgents, Shiite militias and Iraqi and American security forces.

    Lieutenant Colonel Christopher Garver, a U.S. military spokesman in Baghdad, said Sunday that three of the American soldiers killed in the attack had been identified but that "we're still going through the process of identifying" the fourth, suggesting that the soldier had been seriously disfigured

     
     

    American officials said the soldiers had been traveling in two vehicles, which burst into flames during the ambush.

    The attack, and the disappearance of the soldiers, comes at a critical time in the American engagement in Iraq. President George W. Bush has ordered about 30,000 fresh American troops to Iraq and has insisted that, given enough time and persistent American involvement, the country can be pacified. But the increase in American troops comes as public and congressional support for U.S. involvement in Iraq has waned.

    American military officials said they were sparing no resources in their search for the missing soldiers.

    "Everybody is fully engaged. The commanders are intimately focused on this," Major General William Caldwell said at a news conference with reporters from the Iraqi media, according to The Associated Press. He said the searchers were using "every asset we have, from national assets to tactical assets."

    Two American soldiers were kidnapped last June after their unit was ambushed near Mahmudiya. Their bodies were found days later, mutilated and booby-trapped.

    The Islamic State of Iraq, which includes Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia, posted its claims of responsibility on jihadist Web sites. "Clashes between your brothers in the Islamic State of Iraq and a crusaders' patrol in Mahmudiya, southern Baghdad province, has led to the killing and arresting of several of them," their message said.

    The suicide attack in northern Iraq killed at least 50 people and wounded at least 115, said Brigadier General Mohammed al-Wagaa, an Iraqi Army commander in Mosul. It occurred just south of the border of the autonomous region of Kurdistan, in the town of Makhmur, which has a sizable Kurdish population.

    In the attack, a man drove his explosives-laden car into the main gate of a compound that includes the offices of the Makhmur mayor and the Kurdistan Democratic Party, the organization led by Massoud Barzani, the president of Kurdistan.

    It was the second vehicle bombing in five days against Kurdish targets in northern Iraq, suggesting the beginning of a terrorist offensive against the Kurdish authorities.

    The blast destroyed several buildings and houses, "many cars" and a gas station, said Abdulrahman Belaf, the mayor of Makhmur, who was in his office at the time and was wounded in the attack. The town's police chief died in the blast, officials said.

    Makhmur falls within a region that the Kurdish authorities want to annex as part of an expanded Kurdistan. The Constitution calls for a referendum before the end of year on whether a swath of territory in three northern Iraqi provinces, including the oil capital of Kirkuk, should become part of Kurdistan.

    American and Iraqi officials say they expect a sharp rise in violence as the referendum nears, mainly led by Sunni Arab insurgents opposed to the expansion of Kurdistan's borders.

    Kurdish officials said Sunday that they did not yet know who was responsible for the attack in Makhmur or whether it was related to an attack last week in Erbil, the capital of Kurdistan, in which a truck loaded with explosives detonated in front of offices of the Kurdish regional government, killing at least 19 people and wounding more than 70.

    The Makhmur bombing was the deadliest attack of the day in Iraq on Sunday.

    In Baghdad, a car bomb exploded at the Sadriya market in a predominantly Shiite quarter of eastern Baghdad, killing at least 5 people and wounding 40, an official at the Interior Ministry said.

    Family Time

     
    I have been spending a lot of time with my wife and baby. Practically unglued myself from the computer......so sorry that there has been quite a while since I posted a blog. I really am starting to find my happiness once again. I see it everyday in the eyes of my wife and baby girl. While I understand that I wil never be able to forget certain things and experiences in Iraq. Time has started to heal and close the tear in my soul. And so it has been that I have started to feel physically better, my blood pressure is down, as well as the fact that I have dropped almost 17 pounds now. Starting to enjoy the simplicity in life.......ie the small things that I love about life. And right now that is rediscovering my wife and baby daughter. I will be out making my rounds out here in blog land once again.

    Wisdom teeth & stress

    Sorry I have not been around
     
    I just had surgery to have an impacted wisdom tooth removed, and the same day I had an appointment with my primary doctor I found out that I have stomach ulcers.....he says they are most prob caused by stress......lol imagine that.
     
    I went to the VA to start group therapy and found out that none will be in place until may for the days of the week that I am off. So I will just have to keep my sanity about me for a little longer.
     
    Suprisingly the vicodin that my dentist put me on has been keeping me very mellow and relaxed, I am going to try to enjoy spring break this week with my wife as she is off this whole week being a teacher......I will be around to se all of you soon

    The Abyss

    I am drained.....trying to fight the VA.....trying to escape my PTSD
    .....trying to act like all is normal....for my wife and baby.....even though it is not....
    I feel like I have been plunged to the bottom of of the ocean....and I can see the smallest glimpse of sunlight in the distance, but no matter how hard I struggle to make it to the surface, I cannot escape my own darkness, I am failing myself, my wife and baby.
     
    The song on my player hits it right on the head, reminds me of my hospitalization 4 months ago
     
    I dont want to live like this anymore
     
    Next step......... group therapy, I am not looking forward to it
     
     

    Finding myself again

    First of all to all my Blog groupies out there in Blogland I am sorry it has been so long. I have been going to therapy, and have been trying to get all my stuff together for my PTSD claim with the VA. I have been working on seeking ou the things in life that make me happy.....ie spending more time with the wife and baby, and trying to get over my phobia of trying to comfort our little baby girl when she cries.....I have problems holding her when she is screaming because it reminds me of things in Iraq. I have also joined a gym once again to get myself back in shape. So my focus has mainly been on getting myself better and trying to spend more time with my wife and baby....and yes I will continue my blogging because I realized that there needs to be a voice for PTSD and the soldiers that have it. I know that I frequently focus on my problems that I have....but there are far, far, worse off than I am. And a lot us soldiers are taking our own lives, and or killing family members. So with that in mind I will continue to post on the subject....I think the average civilian out there in the world needs to know.

    Until we all fall down

    Reservist Due for Iraq Is Killed in Standoff With Police

    Washington Post Staff Writer
    Wednesday, December 27, 2006; Page B02

    Army Reservist James E. Dean had already served 18 months in Afghanistan when he was notified three weeks ago that he would be deployed to Iraq later this month. The prospect of returning to war sent the St. Mary's County resident into a spiral of depression, a neighbor said.

    Despondent about his orders, Dean barricaded himself inside his father's home with several weapons on Christmas, threatening to kill himself. After a 14-hour standoff with authorities, Dean was killed yesterday by a police officer after he aimed a gun at another officer, police said.

    Wanda Matthews, who lives next door to Dean's father and said she thought of the younger man as a son, described him as a "very good boy."

    "His dad told me that he didn't want to go to war," Matthews said. "He had already been out there and didn't want to go again."

    Dean, 29, was shot once after a confrontation with officers that began when a member of Dean's family asked police to check on him about 10 p.m. Monday, police said. Dean stated his intention to kill himself several times late that night and yesterday morning and had fired at officers multiple times, St. Mary's County Sheriff Tim Cameron said. A handful of bullets hit police cars, but no officers were injured.

    Cameron said special law enforcement units spent the night trying to negotiate with Dean to come out of the house.

    "He was asked to come out and refused repeatedly," Cameron said. "We threw a phone in the window and he threw it back out."

    About noon, tactical teams from the Maryland State Police and St. Mary's, Calvert and Charles county sheriffs' offices began pumping tear gas into the home to force Dean out, Cameron said.

    Police said Dean stepped outside his front door and pointed a firearm at an officer. Another officer on the scene, believing his colleague was in danger, shot Dean in the chest, they said.

    Cameron did not reveal the department affiliation of the officer who shot Dean. The St. Mary's County Bureau of Criminal Investigations, which comprises officers from the sheriff's office and state police, will investigate the shooting, he said.

    Dean's father, Joseph L. Dean Jr., was not home during the standoff, authorities said, and his phone number had been disconnected yesterday afternoon. Neighbors were evacuated from the surrounding homes when police responded to the scene.

    Matthews said Dean enjoyed hunting and fishing but had lost much of his enthusiasm for life when he found out that he was being deployed to Iraq. She said that she had not spoken to him since he was notified but that his father was extremely worried about Dean. "He was a good country boy," she said.

    Somebody else

    Sorry It has been a while
     
    Have not been feeling quite myself
     
    been going to therapy
     
    stirring up my demons
     
    hope you all understand

    Running from myself

    If there ever was a song that truly says what PTSD is this would be it. Johnny Cash hurt
    is it. It is playing in my media player. I am pretty shure most of you out ther in blog land have heard it, but have you really listened to the words, or seen the video. It is about a frail old man reflecting on the torment in his life, and the pain that comes with the choices he has made. This video, this song says all that I cannot put into words. Maybe I just feel a personal connection to it but it really does hit the nail on the head for me. And So I ask you to listen to the words of this song and watch the video.
    Here are the Lyrics
     
    I hurt myself today
    to see if I still feel
    I focus on the pain
    the only thing that's real
    the needle tears a hole
    the old familiar sting
    try to kill it all away
    but I remember everything
    what have I become?
    my sweetest friend
    everyone I know
    goes away in the end
    and you could have it all
    my empire of dirt

    I will let you down
    I will make you hurt

    I wear this crown of thorns
    upon my liar's chair
    full of broken thoughts
    I cannot repair
    beneath the stains of time
    the feelings disappear
    you are someone else
    I am still right here

    what have I become?
    my sweetest friend
    everyone I know
    goes away in the end
    and you could have it all
    my empire of dirt

    I will let you down
    I will make you hurt

    if I could start again
    a million miles away
    I would keep myself
    I would find a way

     

    Taking a break

    I apologize to all my fellow bloggers
     
    I have been having a tought time here lately and have not been able to come around and make my usual rounds
     
    I can sum it all up in one phrase..........The Department of Veterans Affairs
     
    So I am taking a break for a little while to gather my composure and try to enjoy the holidays with my wife and baby
     
    I will be back soon
     
    Thanks for understanding

    I Remember

    I remember......
     
     
    The the faces of innocence....the children of Iraq
    The feeling of warmth.....as I gave away candy from my MRE
     
     
    Nights in Mosul that were quiet and peaceful
    A moon so bright and so huge it seemed like daytime
     
     
    Nights of tracers, nights of alarms
    Defensive positions dug into the sands
    Being aware/alert 24/7, day in day out
     
     
    I remember
     
    The smell of blood........
    The smell of sewage as I drove through it on the streets
     
    The crying widows, the crying men, the children
    The blank look in my buddys eyes
     
    The angry civilians rightfully so
     
    I remember............................................because I have to