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When I cannot sleep, when time drags on forever for me, somewhere between night and day. I lay awake thinking, self ananlyzing myself. Trying to rationalize, trying to make sense of why I cannot sleep, and why I always have nightmares, and for god's sake whay I can't just accept my experiences that I had and just....move on.
Time seems frozen for me sometimes at night
Like machines......we all did what we had to do to stay alive.....never thinking of the consequences
To stop and think......would certainly cost our lives
Numb to ourselves......never to show weakness.....all we had done was left deep down inside
Now my mind seems unable to forgive itself
So in dreams.....these things come back for me
My mind saying.....look what you did...something immoral....something born of hate
I try to forget....and say it's ok
In dreams....I cannot breath....vivid memories of the unacceptable....of what war really is
Responsiblity....like a ton of bricks weighs me down...
Responsibilty....someone has to take it | Iraq War Veteran Wrestles With Invisible Wounds
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Dave McBee, who did two tours of duty in Iraq beginning in 2003, struggles with post-traumatic stress disorder.
On the plus side, David McBee has a fiancee who stuck by him, a 2-year-old son who loves him. They've helped him persevere through dark times — blackouts, anger, confusion — as he struggles with the invisible wounds of his combat duty in Iraq.
As a Marine, McBee engaged in the initial assault on Iraq from Kuwait in 2003 and the often-chaotic battle of Fallujah in late 2004.
He returned to the United States in 2005, worked for a time with the postal service and got engaged. His fiancee, Audra Cardoza, gave birth to a son in 2006.
About a year after his return, McBee began to notice a change in his personality, including what he describes as "blackouts" — periods of time he couldn't account for.
"One day, me and my buddies and fiancee, we went out and started drinking," he said. "I had a meltdown. ... All this stuff that was in my head that I'd never said to anybody started coming out. I couldn't stop crying."
The "stuff" included images of Fallujah residents, children among them, killed by his own unit as it swept through neighborhoods that were supposed to have been evacuated.
"We search houses. We see people in there — they're not supposed to be there. They're considered hostile. We just opened fire," he said.
"We saw a little kid in the middle road. There was no stopping the convoy. We ran him over."
McBee's condition worsened in June, after a friend and fellow veteran committed suicide. He checked into a veterans homeless shelter in Leeds, Mass., and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder as well as alcohol dependence. He has suffered migraines, hearing loss, various back and shoulder problems.
At the shelter, McBee befriended Army Spc. Andrew Cotrel, also suffering PTSD linked to Iraq combat duty in 2003.
"My first day, Andrew was there. Two different parts of Iraq, two different things going on, and we had so many similarities," McBee said. "As a vet, you can just sit down and talk. You have something in common, doesn't matter where you were, what you did. You know you both served."
They're among about 1,500 veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars identified by the Department of Veterans Affairs as experiencing homelessness. The 120-bed Leeds shelter, run by a nonprofit called Soldier On, serves a handful of veterans who fought in those two wars, mixed with dozens who served in Vietnam.
The mission, says Soldier On, is to assist veterans with "picking up the pieces of their lives."
In August, McBee, now 24, moved in with Cardoza and their son, Aiden, in a small apartment in nearby Chicopee. He plans to enroll soon in six-week VA inpatient PTSD treatment program.
Aiden, says McBee, is the "best thing ever."
"For a while, I didn't think anybody really cared for me — I didn't care about myself, so why would anybody else," he said. "To see him running up, his arms out, big smile, 'Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,' It's great."
Out of all the things I remember the most of my time in Iraq, this is one of the memories that has stuck with me for a long time. I was about a little girl I encountered on the side of the road when I stopped my Humvee to take up a defensive position near the town of Mosul.
Eyes fixed as she walked towards me
Ratted hair, dark eyes, and an angels face
A tattered pink rose in her hand.....held up to me
"America" she spoke
In her eyes...... my own reflection
looking back unpon myself........ I stood frozen
not drawing my weapon as I should....helpless
A smile between us.....broken by her mothers yell
The rose fell at my feet.
These days I often see the face of that little girl in the eyes of my 2.5 yr old daughter
I was trained to draw my weapon at anyone that approached like that, because my unit had experienced small children approacing the Humvees and throwing grenades in the back of them. Had this little girl been on of them I'm sure we would have been dead. Had I killed her there in the street I would have never been able to live with myself. To kill an innocent child as I had seen happen before. First I would have to say that me not being on here is actually a good thing. It seems as if it has been forever. I have been spending a lot of time with my wife and baby girl. I guess you could say I am comming into my own at being a husabnd and a father. Having said that it is sometimes exausting keeping up with the messes they both make. Sometimes I dont know who makes more of a mess. I am still working in sleep medicine and work in a reseach sleep lab at St.Louis University. My PTSD is stiill an issue for me the biggest problem/trigger I have is when our daughter Kaelin screams at the top of her lungs, but I have been going to the VA to keep seeing the head doctor. I am still battling it out with the VA for my service connected disability. It has been since 2004 when I first filed for it, it has been denied twice, finally I hired a lawyer, and my case is now before the board in washington. Just giving everybody an update on how things have been going.
Army suicides up as much as 20 percent
By PAULINE JELINEK, Associated Press Writer 31 minutes ago
WASHINGTON - As many as 121 Army soldiers committed suicide in 2007, a jump of some 20 percent over the year before, officials said Thursday.
The rise comes despite numerous efforts to improve the mental health of a force stressed by a longer-than-expected war in Iraq and the most deadly year yet in the now six-year-old conflict in Afghanistan.
Internal briefing papers prepared by the Army's psychiatry consultant early this month show there were 89 confirmed suicides last year and 32 deaths that are suspected suicides and still under investigation.
More than a quarter of those — about 34 — happened during deployments in Iraq, an increase from 27 in Iraq the previous year, according to the preliminary figures.
The report also shows an increase in the number of attempted suicides and self-injuries — some 2,100 in 2007 compared to less than 1,500 the previous year and less than 500 in 2002.
The total of 121 suicides last year, if all are confirmed, would be more than double the 52 reported in 2001, before the Sept. 11 attacks prompted the Bush administration to launch its counter-terror war. The toll was 87 by 2005 and 102 in 2006.
Officials said the rate of suicides per 100,000 active duty soldiers has not yet been calculated for 2007. But in a half million-person active duty Army, the 2006 toll of 102 translated to a rate of 17.5 per 100,000, the highest since the Army started counting in 1980, officials said. The rate has fluctuated over those years, with the low being 9.1 per 100,000 in 2001.
That toll and rate for 2006 is a revision from figures released in August because a number of pending cases have since been concluded. Officials earlier had reported 99 soldiers killed themselves in 2006 and two cases were pending — as opposed to the 102 now confirmed. It's common for investigations to take some time and for officials to study results at length before releasing them publicly.
Col. Elspeth Ritchie, the psychiatry consultant to the Army surgeon general, has said that officials found failed personal relationships, legal and financial problems and the stress of their jobs have been main factors in soldiers' suicides. Officials also have found that the number of days troops are deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan or nearby countries contributes to that stress.
With the Army stretched thin by years of fighting the two wars, the Pentagon last year extended normal tours of duty to 15 months from 12 and has sent some troops back to the wars several times. The Army has been hoping to reduce tour lengths this summer. But the prospect could depend heavily on what Gen. David Petraeus, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, recommends when he gives his assessment of security in Iraq and troop needs to Congress in April.
A succession of studies on mental health in the military have found a system that might have been adequate for peacetime has been overwhelmed by troops coming home from war. Some troop surveys in Iraq have shown that 20 percent of Army soldiers have signs and symptoms of post-traumatic stress, which can cause flashbacks of traumatic combat experiences and other severe reactions. About 35 percent of soldiers are seeking some kind of mental health treatment a year after returning home under a program that screens returning troops for physical and mental health problems, officials have said.
Officials have worked to set up a number of new programs and strengthen old ones for providing mental health care to the force. The Army also has been working to stem the stigma associated with getting therapy for mental problems, after officials found that troops are avoiding counseling out of fear it could harm their careers. I am sure we all have seen those little old ladies that do things such as:
Clip coupons.....and hold up the lines at the stores
Bring random things with them in thier purse such as ketchup packets out to eat with them
Help......my wife is turning into one of them!!
We went to eat at Red lobster the other night and I swear to god she brought a tupper ware with cheese in it for her salad.
Also I will add that the adventures I have been having as a father have been pretty out there.......seems Every day between my wife and my daughter I loose a little piece of my man hood.
My once clean living room is now filled with toys.......toys that seem to squeak, or stab into the bottom of my feet, then all I hear is giggles and laughs from my wife and daughter, as I grumble under my breath.
The beat one yet is when we went out to eat....and Michelle is cutting chicken up for Kaelin to eat.....and as she is doing it she startes to sing........chick......chick.......chicken,,,,,,to Kaelin in a now getting louder voice......I look around to see everybody looking at us like......what the.....is she on.
Ahh the adventures of parenthood....... I have learned that to be a functional person, husband, father, friend to the people around me I have to hide or put away a part of me that is truly tainted, and damaged.
And so it is that this......my blog has to be my refuge, my dumping ground to lay down the weight of my personal burden. I have come to realize that the men I grew up around, my father, all the way back to my grandfather's, father were all a part of some war. And having said that that, all of thier lives were never the same because of it.
I seem to be having so many life altering revelations here latley. I am becoming more aware that the world hates us, and America seems to have forgotten us. I just wanted to thank all who have stuck by me and continue to do so. I still have the need to write, so I will continue to to do so. If I can lay it down here, then maybe, I can still be superman to my wife and baby.
Sickness......the kind you feel when you cannot throw up but you can't
Time...it moves......so slow..............why is it so hard to breathe?
Dreams..........well dreams are just that......Dreams
The human mind........refuses to distinguish.......but my sweat burns the cut in my arm
and the smells.........sewage.......blood......run down the street like a river
The act of death......the act of killing......such a transition.....quick......slow......then...... over
A thing known.....them or us
Friends......multilated.....dead.......forever silenced
The diffrence........the enemy wants to kill me
Unable to change what I have seen..........................Invisible in dreams
Invisible it has to be to the world, my family, my wife..........this decay........it remains......hidden
The realization.........nobody......nobody....want to hear a veterans problems......to watch a grown man cry
I just landed a job at one of the nations #1 pediatiric hospitals, Cardinal Glennon Hospital.
I will be working with little people who are sick, I will be doing the same thing I do now and that is sleep studies, but the only diffrence is the age diffrence. Not to mention the HUGE pay diffrence.....I will be pulling in right at what some nurses are making. So I will be working full time at Clayton Sleep Institute, and then per diem at Cardinal Glennon, so some weeks that will translate to about 70 hrs a week. But the money will be excellent. Just in time for a good Christmas I guess. It is an awsome hospital!! here is the link if any of you want to take a look
Sorry I have been gone for a while I needed some time to reflect and spend some time with my wife and daughter. I have emerged a new man out of all of this. It has been time well spent. I have gotten over my depression and anger. After much reflection I have come to understand what it is that has been eating away at me. You see when I was younger I used to have dreams of fighting and dying in war. I always knew it was my destiny to fight for my country since I was about 7 yrs old, and in a way I knew that I was supposed to give my life for someone........sounds pretty messed up huh.
I think what it all boils down to is if you ask any soldier who has fought over in Iraq what is one of the things that bothers them. Well I know at least some of them it would be the simple fact that they wanted their service to mean or stand for something......to make a diffrence......somehow,,,,,,to someone.
For this very reason......I have stood.....angry and bitter. Because I have not sacrificed enough, not half as much as the soldiers I see etched in tombstones at arlington. I feel somehow unworthy to live the life I now live with my wife and baby daughter. I feel as if my service has meant nothing. Not to me, not to
the USA I returned to after the war.
So if any of you out there have seen Forrest Gump........I really can relate to the whole Lieutenant Dan thing.
I am tired of seeing death..........and seeing my comrads fall. I know there will be another video showing more death.
U.S. intensifies search for 3 missing soldiers
BAGHDAD: About 4,000 American ground troops supported by surveillance aircraft, attack helicopters and spy satellites swept towns and farmland south of Baghdad on Sunday searching for three American soldiers who disappeared Saturday after their patrol was ambushed, military officials said.
The Islamic State of Iraq, an insurgent umbrella group, claimed responsibility Sunday for the attack, which killed four American soldiers and an Iraqi Army soldier, and said it had captured the three missing Americans. The group offered no proof for its claim.
Elsewhere in Iraq, at least 55 people were killed and 155 wounded in two vehicle bombings, one against the offices of a leading Kurdish political party in a contested region of northern Iraq and the other in a market in Shiite-dominated eastern Baghdad, Iraqi officials said.
The ambush of the Americans on Saturday morning occurred near Mahmudiya, a farming town south of the capital that has been a battleground between Sunni Arab insurgents, Shiite militias and Iraqi and American security forces.
Lieutenant Colonel Christopher Garver, a U.S. military spokesman in Baghdad, said Sunday that three of the American soldiers killed in the attack had been identified but that "we're still going through the process of identifying" the fourth, suggesting that the soldier had been seriously disfigured
American officials said the soldiers had been traveling in two vehicles, which burst into flames during the ambush.
The attack, and the disappearance of the soldiers, comes at a critical time in the American engagement in Iraq. President George W. Bush has ordered about 30,000 fresh American troops to Iraq and has insisted that, given enough time and persistent American involvement, the country can be pacified. But the increase in American troops comes as public and congressional support for U.S. involvement in Iraq has waned.
American military officials said they were sparing no resources in their search for the missing soldiers.
"Everybody is fully engaged. The commanders are intimately focused on this," Major General William Caldwell said at a news conference with reporters from the Iraqi media, according to The Associated Press. He said the searchers were using "every asset we have, from national assets to tactical assets."
Two American soldiers were kidnapped last June after their unit was ambushed near Mahmudiya. Their bodies were found days later, mutilated and booby-trapped.
The Islamic State of Iraq, which includes Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia, posted its claims of responsibility on jihadist Web sites. "Clashes between your brothers in the Islamic State of Iraq and a crusaders' patrol in Mahmudiya, southern Baghdad province, has led to the killing and arresting of several of them," their message said.
The suicide attack in northern Iraq killed at least 50 people and wounded at least 115, said Brigadier General Mohammed al-Wagaa, an Iraqi Army commander in Mosul. It occurred just south of the border of the autonomous region of Kurdistan, in the town of Makhmur, which has a sizable Kurdish population.
In the attack, a man drove his explosives-laden car into the main gate of a compound that includes the offices of the Makhmur mayor and the Kurdistan Democratic Party, the organization led by Massoud Barzani, the president of Kurdistan.
It was the second vehicle bombing in five days against Kurdish targets in northern Iraq, suggesting the beginning of a terrorist offensive against the Kurdish authorities.
The blast destroyed several buildings and houses, "many cars" and a gas station, said Abdulrahman Belaf, the mayor of Makhmur, who was in his office at the time and was wounded in the attack. The town's police chief died in the blast, officials said.
Makhmur falls within a region that the Kurdish authorities want to annex as part of an expanded Kurdistan. The Constitution calls for a referendum before the end of year on whether a swath of territory in three northern Iraqi provinces, including the oil capital of Kirkuk, should become part of Kurdistan.
American and Iraqi officials say they expect a sharp rise in violence as the referendum nears, mainly led by Sunni Arab insurgents opposed to the expansion of Kurdistan's borders.
Kurdish officials said Sunday that they did not yet know who was responsible for the attack in Makhmur or whether it was related to an attack last week in Erbil, the capital of Kurdistan, in which a truck loaded with explosives detonated in front of offices of the Kurdish regional government, killing at least 19 people and wounding more than 70.
The Makhmur bombing was the deadliest attack of the day in Iraq on Sunday.
In Baghdad, a car bomb exploded at the Sadriya market in a predominantly Shiite quarter of eastern Baghdad, killing at least 5 people and wounding 40, an official at the Interior Ministry said.
I have been spending a lot of time with my wife and baby. Practically unglued myself from the computer......so sorry that there has been quite a while since I posted a blog. I really am starting to find my happiness once again. I see it everyday in the eyes of my wife and baby girl. While I understand that I wil never be able to forget certain things and experiences in Iraq. Time has started to heal and close the tear in my soul. And so it has been that I have started to feel physically better, my blood pressure is down, as well as the fact that I have dropped almost 17 pounds now. Starting to enjoy the simplicity in life.......ie the small things that I love about life. And right now that is rediscovering my wife and baby daughter. I will be out making my rounds out here in blog land once again. Sorry I have not been around
I just had surgery to have an impacted wisdom tooth removed, and the same day I had an appointment with my primary doctor I found out that I have stomach ulcers.....he says they are most prob caused by stress......lol imagine that.
I went to the VA to start group therapy and found out that none will be in place until may for the days of the week that I am off. So I will just have to keep my sanity about me for a little longer.
Suprisingly the vicodin that my dentist put me on has been keeping me very mellow and relaxed, I am going to try to enjoy spring break this week with my wife as she is off this whole week being a teacher......I will be around to se all of you soon I am drained.....trying to fight the VA.....trying to escape my PTSD
.....trying to act like all is normal....for my wife and baby.....even though it is not....
I feel like I have been plunged to the bottom of of the ocean....and I can see the smallest glimpse of sunlight in the distance, but no matter how hard I struggle to make it to the surface, I cannot escape my own darkness, I am failing myself, my wife and baby.
The song on my player hits it right on the head, reminds me of my hospitalization 4 months ago
I dont want to live like this anymore
Next step......... group therapy, I am not looking forward to it
First of all to all my Blog groupies out there in Blogland I am sorry it has been so long. I have been going to therapy, and have been trying to get all my stuff together for my PTSD claim with the VA. I have been working on seeking ou the things in life that make me happy.....ie spending more time with the wife and baby, and trying to get over my phobia of trying to comfort our little baby girl when she cries.....I have problems holding her when she is screaming because it reminds me of things in Iraq. I have also joined a gym once again to get myself back in shape. So my focus has mainly been on getting myself better and trying to spend more time with my wife and baby....and yes I will continue my blogging because I realized that there needs to be a voice for PTSD and the soldiers that have it. I know that I frequently focus on my problems that I have....but there are far, far, worse off than I am. And a lot us soldiers are taking our own lives, and or killing family members. So with that in mind I will continue to post on the subject....I think the average civilian out there in the world needs to know.
Reservist Due for Iraq Is Killed in Standoff With Police
Washington Post Staff Writer Wednesday, December 27, 2006; Page B02
Army Reservist James E. Dean had already served 18 months in Afghanistan when he was notified three weeks ago that he would be deployed to Iraq later this month. The prospect of returning to war sent the St. Mary's County resident into a spiral of depression, a neighbor said.
Despondent about his orders, Dean barricaded himself inside his father's home with several weapons on Christmas, threatening to kill himself. After a 14-hour standoff with authorities, Dean was killed yesterday by a police officer after he aimed a gun at another officer, police said.
Wanda Matthews, who lives next door to Dean's father and said she thought of the younger man as a son, described him as a "very good boy."
"His dad told me that he didn't want to go to war," Matthews said. "He had already been out there and didn't want to go again."
Dean, 29, was shot once after a confrontation with officers that began when a member of Dean's family asked police to check on him about 10 p.m. Monday, police said. Dean stated his intention to kill himself several times late that night and yesterday morning and had fired at officers multiple times, St. Mary's County Sheriff Tim Cameron said. A handful of bullets hit police cars, but no officers were injured.
Cameron said special law enforcement units spent the night trying to negotiate with Dean to come out of the house.
"He was asked to come out and refused repeatedly," Cameron said. "We threw a phone in the window and he threw it back out."
About noon, tactical teams from the Maryland State Police and St. Mary's, Calvert and Charles county sheriffs' offices began pumping tear gas into the home to force Dean out, Cameron said.
Police said Dean stepped outside his front door and pointed a firearm at an officer. Another officer on the scene, believing his colleague was in danger, shot Dean in the chest, they said.
Cameron did not reveal the department affiliation of the officer who shot Dean. The St. Mary's County Bureau of Criminal Investigations, which comprises officers from the sheriff's office and state police, will investigate the shooting, he said.
Dean's father, Joseph L. Dean Jr., was not home during the standoff, authorities said, and his phone number had been disconnected yesterday afternoon. Neighbors were evacuated from the surrounding homes when police responded to the scene.
Matthews said Dean enjoyed hunting and fishing but had lost much of his enthusiasm for life when he found out that he was being deployed to Iraq. She said that she had not spoken to him since he was notified but that his father was extremely worried about Dean. "He was a good country boy," she said. Sorry It has been a while
Have not been feeling quite myself
been going to therapy
stirring up my demons
hope you all understand If there ever was a song that truly says what PTSD is this would be it. Johnny Cash hurt
is it. It is playing in my media player. I am pretty shure most of you out ther in blog land have heard it, but have you really listened to the words, or seen the video. It is about a frail old man reflecting on the torment in his life, and the pain that comes with the choices he has made. This video, this song says all that I cannot put into words. Maybe I just feel a personal connection to it but it really does hit the nail on the head for me. And So I ask you to listen to the words of this song and watch the video.
Here are the Lyrics
I hurt myself today to see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but I remember everything what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end and you could have it all my empire of dirt
I will let you down I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I cannot repair beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear you are someone else I am still right here
what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end and you could have it all my empire of dirt
I will let you down I will make you hurt
if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way
I apologize to all my fellow bloggers
I have been having a tought time here lately and have not been able to come around and make my usual rounds
I can sum it all up in one phrase..........The Department of Veterans Affairs
So I am taking a break for a little while to gather my composure and try to enjoy the holidays with my wife and baby
I will be back soon
Thanks for understanding I remember......
The the faces of innocence....the children of Iraq
The feeling of warmth.....as I gave away candy from my MRE
Nights in Mosul that were quiet and peaceful
A moon so bright and so huge it seemed like daytime
Nights of tracers, nights of alarms
Defensive positions dug into the sands
Being aware/alert 24/7, day in day out
I remember
The smell of blood........
The smell of sewage as I drove through it on the streets
The crying widows, the crying men, the children
The blank look in my buddys eyes
The angry civilians rightfully so
I remember............................................because I have to
I had recently decided to join back up with the army as it is something that I feel like I was meant to do. It is a dammed if I do dammed if I dont type of situation. I will feel a big loss if I do not do it, but at the same time I cannot, and do not want to leave behind my wife and daughter and have the risk of never returning to them. So as it is I guess I am a flip flopper. But I feel this decision I have made is a final one. I have chose to stay and be the best Husband and father I can be, after all I have fought for the flag, for my country. I have earned the right to stay and live out the rest of my life here in the states. Guess I will just become one of those old men who are annoying when they tell the same war stories over and over again that nobody listens to. Bottom line is I just want to grow old with my wife and watch our children grow into awsome little persons. As we progress through life, as we age we have the ability to look into the past. Judging ourselves, sometimes unfairly on the choices and the things we did. I had a dream the other night of when I was still in Kuwait 2 days before we crossed the border to invade Iraq. Through these dreams I feel like I was scared for my life and the lives of my friends.....recalling my emotions I had at the time I pass judgement on myself here is my dream, my experience only as I can put it into words;
The taste of sweat runs down into the corner of my mouth, I hoover over my weapon as I try to clean the dust and sand out of the barrel and bolt. It's 10:00 P.M. I wish it would cool down still at 111 degrees, a blessing because during the day it tops out in the 130's.
The sound of the chemical & biological alarm sounds...........Dammit I just took my boots off to let my feet stop sweating for a while. I dawn my chemical mask, grab my gear, and run to the concrete bomb shelter. The last one there. I am stuck on the very end near the opening....out of breath I try to slow my breathing, because breathing through a chemical mask is like trying to breath through a straw.Sweat fills the cavity of the mask as it is sealed to my face.
I look out the opening to see patroit missles streaking across the sky to shoot down scud missles....I close my eyes but the streaks from the missles are burned in the back of my eyes.....saddam knows we are here and he fires them all throughout the night....explosions rumble the ground as I close my eyes. I try to think of back home but am jerked back to reality as my leg starts to cramp up.....you see there is just enough room for us all to scwat down with our weapons between our legs.....we are quite literally stacked in the shelter like cord wood.
I think of my chemical biological training. They had warned us that saddam may use a nerve agent....and were described in detail the horrible death that would occur if he did use a nerve agent on us. We each have a athropene injectors we have to inject ourselves with that speeds up our hearts to counteract the nerve agent. I also think of the pictures the army showed us of the innocent people saddam had used chemical weapons on, as they lay dead in the streets.
I am afraid for my life and the lives of my fellow soldiers
We spent almost three weeks like this every night....in and out of the shelters....wondering if the next scud missle that would break through the patriot missles was gonna hit the BSA and take us out.
The overwhelming feeling of impending doom and death is what comes back to haunt me in my dreams. My breath is stolen from me when I dream of these things.....such a serious thing I guess my mind, my brain stops my breathing. I awoke this moring to have this posted on my blog with no provication, I dont even know this person. SO I ask any and all who read this to make it a point to stop by this persons blog and educate this person as to why it is that we are not infedels....and we do not deserve death. Here is his posting to me: His blog address is down in my previous comments on my last posting.
TALIBaba
Inform All fidels the True Meanings IRREFUTABLE One can easily evaluate that only USA, with the alliance of the Middle East Muslim countries, Saddam Hussain could have been brought around to vacate Kuwait. Instead, she preferred to invite the alliance of all-out Christianity as a gesture of preparedness for a world-wide combat against the Muslim countries, if at all they would have united in support of Iraq – A Muslim Country. No doubt, the nuclear self-sufficiency and capabilities of Pakistan, too, have become an eye-sore for the FRUSTRATED WEST, and, thus, Pakistan, coupled with Iran and Syria, would be the next target likewise. So, I pray that the Muslim World ought to awake, now, and be united to face the forthcoming pre-planned conspiracies of the WEST!! Death to the Infidels! October 17 12:31 AM http://talibaba699talibaba.spaces.live.com/  Time to pull the old boots out of the closet and dust them off!!!!.
After months and months of pondering and heavy thinking. I have made the decision to join back up, only this time with the army reserve. Me and my wife Michelle have had lots of talks and she is supportive of my decision, we both agree it will not be easy if I do become deployed again, but at the same time she understands that this is who I am and what I feel like I was mean to do. Being in the reserve will to some extent allow me to be a civilian as well as a soldier, and I will also be able to be a wonderful father and husband. If deployments happen then we will get through them together. I am going to reclass into a diffrent MOS, or job.....for all you civillians out there. One that will not have me being shot at all the time like my last MOS. The time table has been sent.....will be going back in after December, I will be using the time between now and then to get back in shape....ie find my sixpack once again....retake the asvab test to see if I have even higher scores than I did before. I will continue to keep this blog going through these experiences, possible deployments etc.
In spite of all the Bullshit I have gone throught with the Va to get my disability. In the back of my head I have been thinking of joining back up, only this time as Army National Guard. I miss wearing the uniform, I miss the team work, I just miss it. I would be able to get a re-class into another MOS any one that I wanted actually. My only concern is the small possibility that I would be sent overseas. This is the only thing that would bother me and my wife Michelle. She is actually a little aprehensive about it and seems to think this is just part of my PTSD. I have been thinking about this for Quite some time now..........SO THIS IS where I ask you all my friends out there in blog land what YOU think I should do?
Update on my MOM and DAD.....they are staying with friends.......still waiting on insurance to decide how much they will get.
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