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Mr_Sandman

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A 27 yr old who recently returned from the war in Iraq. I served with the army's 101st Airborne division "Air Assault" HHC
1-502nd Strike Infantry. This blog is deticated to soldiers suffering from PTSD.

"The Iraq War", through the eyes of a soldier.

When freedom comes with a price.
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The two loves of my life

First I would have to say that me not being on here is actually a good thing. It seems as if it has been forever. I have been spending a lot of time with my wife and baby girl. I guess you could say I am comming into my own at being  a husabnd and a father. Having said that it is sometimes exausting keeping up with the messes they both make. Sometimes I dont know who makes more of a mess. I am still working in sleep medicine and work in a reseach sleep lab at St.Louis University. My PTSD is stiill an issue for me the biggest problem/trigger I have is when our daughter Kaelin screams at the top of her lungs, but I have been going to the VA to keep seeing the head doctor. I am still battling it out with the VA for my service connected disability. It has been since 2004 when I first filed for it, it has been denied twice, finally I hired a lawyer, and my case is now before the board in washington. Just giving everybody an update on how things have been going.

When will they notice us falling into darkness?

 Army suicides up as much as 20 percent

By PAULINE JELINEK, Associated Press Writer 31 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - As many as 121 Army soldiers committed suicide in 2007, a jump of some 20 percent over the year before, officials said Thursday.

The rise comes despite numerous efforts to improve the mental health of a force stressed by a longer-than-expected war in Iraq and the most deadly year yet in the now six-year-old conflict in Afghanistan.

Internal briefing papers prepared by the Army's psychiatry consultant early this month show there were 89 confirmed suicides last year and 32 deaths that are suspected suicides and still under investigation.

More than a quarter of those — about 34 — happened during deployments in Iraq, an increase from 27 in Iraq the previous year, according to the preliminary figures.

The report also shows an increase in the number of attempted suicides and self-injuries — some 2,100 in 2007 compared to less than 1,500 the previous year and less than 500 in 2002.

The total of 121 suicides last year, if all are confirmed, would be more than double the 52 reported in 2001, before the Sept. 11 attacks prompted the Bush administration to launch its counter-terror war. The toll was 87 by 2005 and 102 in 2006.

Officials said the rate of suicides per 100,000 active duty soldiers has not yet been calculated for 2007. But in a half million-person active duty Army, the 2006 toll of 102 translated to a rate of 17.5 per 100,000, the highest since the Army started counting in 1980, officials said. The rate has fluctuated over those years, with the low being 9.1 per 100,000 in 2001.

That toll and rate for 2006 is a revision from figures released in August because a number of pending cases have since been concluded. Officials earlier had reported 99 soldiers killed themselves in 2006 and two cases were pending — as opposed to the 102 now confirmed. It's common for investigations to take some time and for officials to study results at length before releasing them publicly.

Col. Elspeth Ritchie, the psychiatry consultant to the Army surgeon general, has said that officials found failed personal relationships, legal and financial problems and the stress of their jobs have been main factors in soldiers' suicides. Officials also have found that the number of days troops are deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan or nearby countries contributes to that stress.

With the Army stretched thin by years of fighting the two wars, the Pentagon last year extended normal tours of duty to 15 months from 12 and has sent some troops back to the wars several times. The Army has been hoping to reduce tour lengths this summer. But the prospect could depend heavily on what Gen. David Petraeus, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, recommends when he gives his assessment of security in Iraq and troop needs to Congress in April.

A succession of studies on mental health in the military have found a system that might have been adequate for peacetime has been overwhelmed by troops coming home from war. Some troop surveys in Iraq have shown that 20 percent of Army soldiers have signs and symptoms of post-traumatic stress, which can cause flashbacks of traumatic combat experiences and other severe reactions. About 35 percent of soldiers are seeking some kind of mental health treatment a year after returning home under a program that screens returning troops for physical and mental health problems, officials have said.

Officials have worked to set up a number of new programs and strengthen old ones for providing mental health care to the force. The Army also has been working to stem the stigma associated with getting therapy for mental problems, after officials found that troops are avoiding counseling out of fear it could harm their careers.

Being a father

I am sure we all have seen those little old ladies that do things such as:
 
Clip coupons.....and hold up the lines at the stores
 
Bring random things with them in thier purse such as ketchup packets out to eat with them
 
Help......my wife is turning into one of them!!
 
We went to eat at Red lobster the other night and I swear to god she brought a tupper ware with cheese in it for her salad.
 
Also I will add that the adventures I have been having as a father have been pretty out there.......seems Every day between my wife and my daughter I loose a little piece of my man hood.
 
My once clean living room is now filled with toys.......toys that seem to squeak, or stab into the bottom of my feet, then all I hear is giggles and laughs from my wife and daughter, as I grumble under my breath.
 
The beat one yet is when we went out to eat....and Michelle is cutting chicken up for Kaelin to eat.....and as she is doing it she startes to sing........chick......chick.......chicken,,,,,,to Kaelin in a now getting louder voice......I look around to see everybody looking at us like......what the.....is she on.
 
Ahh the adventures of parenthood.......

Dig

I have learned that to be a functional person, husband, father, friend to the people around me I have to hide or put away a part of me that is truly tainted, and damaged. 
And so it is that this......my blog has to be my refuge, my dumping ground to lay down the weight of my personal burden. I have come to realize that the men I grew up around, my father, all the way back to my grandfather's, father were all a part of some war. And having said that that, all of thier lives were never the same because of it.
I seem to be having so many life altering revelations here latley. I am becoming more aware that the world hates us, and America seems to have forgotten us. I just wanted to thank all who have stuck by me and continue to do so. I still have the need to write, so I will continue to to do so. If I can lay it down here, then maybe, I can still be superman to my wife and baby.
 
Sickness......the kind you feel when you cannot throw up but you can't
Time...it moves......so slow..............why is it so hard to breathe?
 
Dreams..........well dreams are just that......Dreams
 
The human mind........refuses to distinguish.......but my sweat burns the cut in my arm
and the smells.........sewage.......blood......run down the street like a river
 
The act of death......the act of killing......such a transition.....quick......slow......then...... over
A thing known.....them or us
 
Friends......multilated.....dead.......forever silenced
 
The diffrence........the enemy wants to kill me
Unable to change what I have seen..........................Invisible in dreams
 
Invisible it has to be to the world, my family, my wife..........this decay........it remains......hidden
The realization.........nobody......nobody....want to hear a veterans problems......to watch a grown man cry
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Working with children

I just landed a job at one of the nations #1 pediatiric hospitals, Cardinal Glennon Hospital.
I will be working with little people who are sick, I will be doing the same thing I do now and that is sleep studies, but the only diffrence is the age diffrence. Not to mention the HUGE pay diffrence.....I will be pulling in right at what some nurses are making. So I will be working full time at Clayton Sleep Institute, and then per diem at Cardinal Glennon, so some weeks that will translate to about 70 hrs a week. But the money will be excellent. Just in time for a good Christmas I guess. It is an awsome hospital!! here is the link if any of you want to take a look
 

Lieutenant Dan Syndrome

Sorry I have been gone for a while I needed some time to reflect and spend some time with my wife and daughter. I have emerged a new man out of all of this. It has been time well spent. I have gotten over my depression and anger. After much reflection I have come to understand what it is that has been eating away at me. You see when I was younger I used to have dreams of fighting and dying in war. I always knew it was my destiny to fight for my country since I was about 7 yrs old, and in a way I knew that I was supposed to give my life for someone........sounds pretty messed up huh.
 
I think what it all boils down to is if you ask any soldier who has fought over in Iraq what is one of the things that bothers them. Well I know at least some of them it would be the simple fact that they wanted their service to mean or stand for something......to make a diffrence......somehow,,,,,,to someone.
 
For this very reason......I have stood.....angry and bitter. Because I have not sacrificed enough, not half as much as the soldiers I see etched in tombstones at arlington. I feel somehow unworthy to live the life I now live with my wife and baby daughter. I feel as if my service has meant nothing. Not to me, not to
the USA I returned to after the war.
 
So if any of you out there have seen Forrest Gump........I really can relate to the whole Lieutenant Dan thing.

My anger triggers

 
I am tired of seeing death..........and seeing my comrads fall. I know there will be another video showing more death.
 
 
 
 
U.S. intensifies search for 3 missing soldiers
Published: May 13, 2007
 
  
 

BAGHDAD: About 4,000 American ground troops supported by surveillance aircraft, attack helicopters and spy satellites swept towns and farmland south of Baghdad on Sunday searching for three American soldiers who disappeared Saturday after their patrol was ambushed, military officials said.

The Islamic State of Iraq, an insurgent umbrella group, claimed responsibility Sunday for the attack, which killed four American soldiers and an Iraqi Army soldier, and said it had captured the three missing Americans. The group offered no proof for its claim.

Elsewhere in Iraq, at least 55 people were killed and 155 wounded in two vehicle bombings, one against the offices of a leading Kurdish political party in a contested region of northern Iraq and the other in a market in Shiite-dominated eastern Baghdad, Iraqi officials said.

The ambush of the Americans on Saturday morning occurred near Mahmudiya, a farming town south of the capital that has been a battleground between Sunni Arab insurgents, Shiite militias and Iraqi and American security forces.

Lieutenant Colonel Christopher Garver, a U.S. military spokesman in Baghdad, said Sunday that three of the American soldiers killed in the attack had been identified but that "we're still going through the process of identifying" the fourth, suggesting that the soldier had been seriously disfigured

 
 

American officials said the soldiers had been traveling in two vehicles, which burst into flames during the ambush.

The attack, and the disappearance of the soldiers, comes at a critical time in the American engagement in Iraq. President George W. Bush has ordered about 30,000 fresh American troops to Iraq and has insisted that, given enough time and persistent American involvement, the country can be pacified. But the increase in American troops comes as public and congressional support for U.S. involvement in Iraq has waned.

American military officials said they were sparing no resources in their search for the missing soldiers.

"Everybody is fully engaged. The commanders are intimately focused on this," Major General William Caldwell said at a news conference with reporters from the Iraqi media, according to The Associated Press. He said the searchers were using "every asset we have, from national assets to tactical assets."

Two American soldiers were kidnapped last June after their unit was ambushed near Mahmudiya. Their bodies were found days later, mutilated and booby-trapped.

The Islamic State of Iraq, which includes Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia, posted its claims of responsibility on jihadist Web sites. "Clashes between your brothers in the Islamic State of Iraq and a crusaders' patrol in Mahmudiya, southern Baghdad province, has led to the killing and arresting of several of them," their message said.

The suicide attack in northern Iraq killed at least 50 people and wounded at least 115, said Brigadier General Mohammed al-Wagaa, an Iraqi Army commander in Mosul. It occurred just south of the border of the autonomous region of Kurdistan, in the town of Makhmur, which has a sizable Kurdish population.

In the attack, a man drove his explosives-laden car into the main gate of a compound that includes the offices of the Makhmur mayor and the Kurdistan Democratic Party, the organization led by Massoud Barzani, the president of Kurdistan.

It was the second vehicle bombing in five days against Kurdish targets in northern Iraq, suggesting the beginning of a terrorist offensive against the Kurdish authorities.

The blast destroyed several buildings and houses, "many cars" and a gas station, said Abdulrahman Belaf, the mayor of Makhmur, who was in his office at the time and was wounded in the attack. The town's police chief died in the blast, officials said.

Makhmur falls within a region that the Kurdish authorities want to annex as part of an expanded Kurdistan. The Constitution calls for a referendum before the end of year on whether a swath of territory in three northern Iraqi provinces, including the oil capital of Kirkuk, should become part of Kurdistan.

American and Iraqi officials say they expect a sharp rise in violence as the referendum nears, mainly led by Sunni Arab insurgents opposed to the expansion of Kurdistan's borders.

Kurdish officials said Sunday that they did not yet know who was responsible for the attack in Makhmur or whether it was related to an attack last week in Erbil, the capital of Kurdistan, in which a truck loaded with explosives detonated in front of offices of the Kurdish regional government, killing at least 19 people and wounding more than 70.

The Makhmur bombing was the deadliest attack of the day in Iraq on Sunday.

In Baghdad, a car bomb exploded at the Sadriya market in a predominantly Shiite quarter of eastern Baghdad, killing at least 5 people and wounding 40, an official at the Interior Ministry said.

Family Time

 
I have been spending a lot of time with my wife and baby. Practically unglued myself from the computer......so sorry that there has been quite a while since I posted a blog. I really am starting to find my happiness once again. I see it everyday in the eyes of my wife and baby girl. While I understand that I wil never be able to forget certain things and experiences in Iraq. Time has started to heal and close the tear in my soul. And so it has been that I have started to feel physically better, my blood pressure is down, as well as the fact that I have dropped almost 17 pounds now. Starting to enjoy the simplicity in life.......ie the small things that I love about life. And right now that is rediscovering my wife and baby daughter. I will be out making my rounds out here in blog land once again.

Wisdom teeth & stress

Sorry I have not been around
 
I just had surgery to have an impacted wisdom tooth removed, and the same day I had an appointment with my primary doctor I found out that I have stomach ulcers.....he says they are most prob caused by stress......lol imagine that.
 
I went to the VA to start group therapy and found out that none will be in place until may for the days of the week that I am off. So I will just have to keep my sanity about me for a little longer.
 
Suprisingly the vicodin that my dentist put me on has been keeping me very mellow and relaxed, I am going to try to enjoy spring break this week with my wife as she is off this whole week being a teacher......I will be around to se all of you soon

The Abyss

I am drained.....trying to fight the VA.....trying to escape my PTSD
.....trying to act like all is normal....for my wife and baby.....even though it is not....
I feel like I have been plunged to the bottom of of the ocean....and I can see the smallest glimpse of sunlight in the distance, but no matter how hard I struggle to make it to the surface, I cannot escape my own darkness, I am failing myself, my wife and baby.
 
The song on my player hits it right on the head, reminds me of my hospitalization 4 months ago
 
I dont want to live like this anymore
 
Next step......... group therapy, I am not looking forward to it